diva
can you become a diva? or do you have to be born that way. i don’t think i’m without pride or audacity, in fact, sometimes i surprise myself with my judgement of others. but divas have an assurance, a confidence i don’t think you can assimilate. beyoncés act like beyoncés, even if they don’t have money or talent, they’re self justified. i’m saying this to preface something that happened to me on friday. on friday, i finally put on the ‘capa junior awards.’ an idea i conceived just in november, a ceremony to highlight the accomplishments of my school’s junior class. i hosted it, performed a lack lustre rendition of ‘popular,’ wrote, directed, and starred in a short film for it, designed a website, designed posters, ran socials, and combed through hundreds of votes/nominations.
after the show, one of my classmates said something to me. i forget what it was, but it must been a compliment to the show because i responded with something like “you can do the same it’ll just cause a pile of stress.” she told me “oh no, that’s why you’re a leader lanaa, i just try and participate in as many things as i can.” sometimes my parents tell me they think i take a lot of things on because i “like to be stressed out.”
personally, i feel like i’m just trying to fight the overwhelming guilt i have. i want to share, i want to participate. at the awards i won, ‘most outspoken junior,’ despite telling people not to vote for me. i want that to sink in, i want to feel confident in that. i want to bask in the knowing that other people feel that way, but maybe it’s because i don’t see myself as a leader. i feel like a participant, i am guided by others in everything that i do. not for their approval, but for their well being i’m all too concerned. high school has been far from welcoming and yet something possessed me to create this celebration for it. i’m driven by a desire to do better for others, so in that sense they’re leading me. so everyones a leader, still though not everyone can accept that. which is why divas are a special case, because they know it regardless. i’m not even sure if thats aspiring but it is rare, a lost art in our age of self depreciation, one i can appreciate, more than myself lol.
